HILLSBORO, OREGON – Gregory “Moss Man” Liascos was arraigned at Hillsboro County courthouse this morning on charges of burglary and criminal mischief. The charges stem from his pre-dawn arrest in a wooded area outside the Rice Northwest Museum of Rocks and Minerals where police discovered Mr. Liascos disguised as a large lump of moss. Though investigators say nothing was stolen from the museum, they believe the Moss Man had previously cut a hole in one of the museum walls and was planning a break-in.
At the arraignment, Moss Man’s attorney said his client is not guilty by reason of insanity. When he added that his client had been driven insane by actor Charlie Sheen’s hairpiece, the courtroom erupted with gasps and murmurs prompting the Judge to aggressively pound his gavel.
Moss Man at police headquarters
Attorney Claude Clavor told the court that for years his client had been a fan of Sheen’s hit television series Two and a Half Men. But it wasn’t until last month that he began receiving messages from Charlie Sheen’s hairpiece. The attorney said it was Charlie Sheen’s hairpiece that instructed his client to break into the rock and mineral museum and steal the “Talking Petrified Log.” The hairpiece told the defendant to spend several nights laying near the museum camouflaged as a hill of moss. When he felt it was safe he was to enter the museum, quietly procure the talking log and then ship it to a post office box in Beverly Hills.
Moss Man was detected by a police dog just before dawn in a wooded area outside the museum. Officers said the dog was relieving himself on a mound of moss when the moss began moving. The Moss Man drew the attention of police when he cried out after the dog bit him.
Moss Man’s attorney said his client was only attempting to fulfill the demands of Charlie Sheen’s hairpiece.
“My client harbors no malice toward the museum. His only crime is falling under the spell of what appears to be a malicious and conniving toupee.”
When news of Moss Man’s defense hit the airwaves, people from around the country declared that they too had been driven insane by Charlie Sheen’s hairpiece. Salomon Sullivan of St. Louis told police that Charlie Sheen’s hairpiece made him purchase cocaine.
“I was watching a Two and a Half Men rerun when Charlie Sheen’s hairpiece told me to go and buy cocaine. I’d never bought any cocaine before, but the hairpiece told me that I could find some downtown in an alley behind a garage. Sure enough, when I got there some fella asked me if I was lookin’ to buy cocaine. So I bought some and began snorting it in my car. Next thing I know, I’m surrounded by cops. If that hairpiece could tell me where to get cocaine, why couldn’t it warn me about the cops? That’s what I wanna know.”
Harland Hammer, of Chicago, IL, claims Charlie Sheen’s hairpiece almost broke up his marriage.
“My wife and I were watching Anger Management reruns when Charlie Sheen’s hairpiece told me to drink lots of liquor and then smack my wife around. I was headed to the liquor cabinet when my wife stopped me.”
Mrs. Hammer interjected.
“I heard what Charlie Sheen’s hairpiece told my husband. When he started for the liquor cabinet I yelled out, Oh no you don’t! Huh-uh! You try and smack me around you’ll be wearing your ass for a hat, Mister!”
Harland said after he and his wife agreed to watch the Weather channel instead of Anger Management everything went back to normal and he didn’t receive anymore messages from Charlie Sheen’s hairpiece.
Charlie Sheen’s publicist denies that Charlie Sheen wears a hairpiece.
“Mr. Sheen has a full head of his original hair that is unable to talk or send messages. If you asked his famous father Martin Sheen if Charlie’s hair is real, he’d respond with a resounding and emphatic, Yes! Since Charlie wears his own hair he is unable to comment on charges related to a hairpiece that he doesn’t have.”
When asked about the accusations that his client’s hairpiece ordered men to break into museums, assault their wives and take drugs, the publicist reiterated that Charlie Sheen does not wear a hairpiece.
“Even if Charlie did wear a hairpiece, and he doesn’t, he would be appalled if it told people to commit crimes. He would not stand for that and he wants everyone to know that he would personally turn a hairpiece like that over to the police.”
And what about that talking log?
The publicist said that Charlie Sheen has always wanted a petrified log that talks, but he would never accept one that was stolen.
10/19/10
